Thursday, December 28, 2006

The Halo Franchise: An Analysis

Some of you may be familiar with the immensely popular video game franchise knows as HALO. If not, allow me to offer something to clue you in. Halo is popular. People love it. It has spawned a fan-created Machinima series, a novel series, a graphic novel, an action figure line, and even a prospective movie adaptation spearheaded by Peter Muthafuckin' Jackson. All Bloodrayne ever got was "Dr." Uwe Boll. Halo got PETER MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR CGI JACKSON. It centers around the character known as Master Chief; a human "cyborg" supersoldier duking it out against an evil theocratic alien empire known as The Covenant. The first game, Halo: Combat Evolved was released first in late 2001 and has been since released for multiple platforms: from the XBox, to PC, and even a Mac port. The sequel, Halo 2 was released in 2004 and is playable on the XBox and XBox 360, the PC version is slated to come out in 2007/2008 and will only be compatible with Windows Vista. Halo: Combat Evolved is most popular on the XBox and is one of the most popular First Person Shooters, if not Games in general. The first game is regarded as the "killer application" for the XBox, meaning it's the thing that made everybody want to buy an XBox in the first damn place. The sequel, Halo 2 scored $125 mill. in its first day on the shelves, making it the fastest selling media product in the history of the United States, if not the best selling. Popular gaming gurus and cartoonists Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik often portray Halo players as the "drunken frat fuck". Another common stereotype of the Halo fanboy is that of the twelve-year old screaming through his microphone in XBox Live. Here's an example of such a personality: YTMND's infamous little boy whore 'halo1gamer', just take a look at a few of his amateur karaoke and MS Paint shitfests:

Are your ears bleeding yet?

Thought so.

So why so popular? Well, it follows certain trends, things more in tune with what's "mainstream" or "cool". First: it's played on a console. Playing on a console is somehow cool because it separates you from computer culture. Using a console is like watching TV, which isn't nerdy like using a computer is. Plus: you're on a couch, or a living room chair with a controller in your hand, which allows you to teeter and wobble around on your seat of choice while flinging the controller about as you thumb buttons and joysticks, as opposed to sitting still and actually playing the game with some level of skill. With a console, you don't have to worry about playing the game as much as you have to worry about looking cool while playing the game. With teenagers and adults that means playing with your buddies with you all sitting on the same couch, each of you with a controller, rocking back and forth and pretending to know what you're doing. For everyone younger that means screaming such immature and laughable insults as "n*gger licker" to some ass three states away from you who just handed your ass to you on a plate. PC gaming requires that you shell out somewhere around $300 for a halfway decent high-level graphics card for your computer. And that means that you have to do some research, maybe shop around on NewEgg, or at least trust the douche at Best Buy to point you in the right direction. Plus, you have to know how to install it, meaning that you have to have some level of technical competency. Not so with the console. No, no, no, no, no! With the console all you have to do is have mommy and daddy shell out the cash for the newest cube that everyone wants this Christmas that runs on some kind of Japanese magic that you couldn't care less about as long as it allows you to "pwn noobs". But you aren't using legit 1337speak, are you? No. You're screaming in some bastardized version that dumb fuckers use all over AIM and myspace. Good luck with attaining gamer credibility. You've never even opened up the case to your computer to clean out the fucking dust, nor have you ever realized that no matter how many times you shoot that watermelon, you are never going to get that $300 in grocery coupons or that free Jamster Frog ringtone.You are confused and angry about the intelligence you lack to be able to work a computer with any skill, but with that beautifully contoured XBox 360 controller in hand, you are a God. At least to you. Halo is popular. It took the FPS away from the gamer and gave it too the ass with the AOL connection who doesn't know shit from Shinola when it comes to computers. It got more idiots to empty their pockets for a gaudy black box when they could've just learned to use a God damned keyboard.

Halo sucks.

Let's take a look why.

Firstly: shitty story. Master Chief is not a character. He's an effigy to the concept of characterization. Bungie has made a Guy Fawkes wicker man out of the concept and set it alight: put their flaming fucking torches under it and watched it go Disco Inferno all over their blood orgy. Where's his depth? Where's his fucking persona? He's missing an entire Goddamn dimension. He occupies the same role in the Halo fanboy's mind as the Power Rangers once did when they were six. "Oh my gosh! Master Chief is so cool that he can beat up all of the bad guys with his energy sword and when I grow up I wanna be just like him!" Remember when that was your mentality about something? What happened? YOU FUCKING GREW UP. You either realized you didn't need such a dignitary in your mind or you switched to Chuck Norris, and both are rational and acceptable. And the shitty characterization doesn't just apply to Master Chief. Cortana, the only chick that plays any importance in the "story" doesn't even have a corporeal form. Don't expect her to express any concern over you like you see in the triumph of a beginning that welcomed you in Half-Life 2: Episode One. Cortana ain't no Alyx. She's transparent in more ways than one. And let's not forget the plot as a whole. Bungie apparently ripped off every ancient civilization that ever existed, and then smiled sheepishly that they succeeded in having at least one fucker on their staff that didn't fail history class. Spartans? If I wanted to have some asshole tell me about Spartans I'll pass the duty onto Frank Miller. Expect him to give you a halfway decent war story. Just wait for next March, or watch the trailer. SOMEONE LEAPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND SLICES A GUY'S ARM OFF. Bungie's Halo story has to be one of the shittiest things I've ever heard. This Master Chief was kidnapped as a child by the government or whatever when he was six and was driven like a Goddamn dog, and then forced to endure horrific surgery to make him a fucking half-robot. And then the whole thing is passed off as completely rational and justifiable. Yeah. That's great. The government kidnaps little kids and then forces them into slave labor and then makes them into monsters. That's perfectly fine. IF YOU'RE THE MOST BATSHIT LOCO FASCIST MOTHERFUCKER IN TOWN. Otherwise: rational people need not apply to this dumbshit poll. Hell, Halo is a fake planet in the middle of space SHAPED LIKE A GIANT RING. Nice space opera, Bungie but I'd rather read L. Ron Hubbard's bullshit than endure more twelve-year olds screaming about their first wet dream being about your half-assed game.

And let's not forget Halo's wonderful Art direction. Let's take a look!

Messiah Chief fires his Assault Rifle (which looks a lot like some kind of horrible future-dildo) on a group of Grunts near a Giant Purple Double-Dildomobile.

Troops being deployed from the Giant Purple Double-Dildomobile.

The first official Halo screenshot: showing Master Chief wielding the powerful Rotary Triple Dildo Cannon.

Master Chief talking to a Plasma Lamp. Note Master Chief's new laser schlong.

Note that the three freaks on the left are in the EXACT SAME FUCKING POSE.

Two words: TENTACLE and RAPE.

"Look how fucking shiny I am. That's how you can tell that I'm a compelling character. Because I'm so fucking shiny."

I don't even know where to fucking begin. It looks like the CGI version of those shitty drawings that you see at work that your coworkers hang up in their offices that their dipshit kids drew. The ones that you're surprised that they got an 'A' for in their little shitty daycare centers.

I'm not certain but I believe that this sign is canonical. Meaning that at one point the people of Earth actually made crossing signs for invading aliens.

"Look how dramatic I am. I'm being so fucking dramatic in my little bubble of faggotry."

"Look at that rather interesting gun. Maybe I should pick it up, I'm not sure, shit's blowing up around me, that's what that white HDR-gone wrong thing behind me is. An explosion. Not that you can tell from the shitty art design. That other thing is an APC. Not a pile of shit like you thought. I wonder if I should pick up that gun. Looks kinda dirty. I'm just so fucking conflicted!"

"I can jump really high! SUPER HIGH! Right into a swarm of fucking hostiles! Oh, what an ass am I!"

Master Chief holding the redesigned Auto Dildo in the upcoming Halo 3.

A squad of AssHeads. Note the asses. On their heads.

Master Chief's camo doesn't make him invisible as much as it makes him silvery and FAAAAAAAAAAABULOUSSSSSSSSSSS!

All she wants to do is dance! Dance! DANCE!

"Hello, sthailor! I'm here, and I'm once again FAAAAAAAABULOUSSSSSTH!" Note the ridiculous codpiece.

This next one is from the Halo Graphic Novel.
"Hello, Commander." "Greetings, Commander." "Commander! There's an emergency!" "Not now, Commander!" "Commander! There's a call on the Commander phone!" "Not now, Commander, I'm speaking with the Commander!" "People are always asking me if I know the Commander." "I know this because the Commander knows this." "His name, is the Commander."

Flippy the space whale pisses all over the place for some reason.

Skippy the grasshopper man uses the force to make a webbed double dildo float scant inches out of his grasp.

Some kind of crippled Mormon Lizard contemplates some shit. You can tell he's thinking really really hard 'cause he's propped his head up on his chin like that.

A Halo player, often known as a "Fag" feebly attempts to look cool whilst holding a forked laser dildo.

There's a Bike Helmet built into the Baseball Cap built into that Faggy Scuba mask!

So here we are, and so far we've determined that Halo is full of phallic imagery. Perhaps the games were better off being called:

Halo: Dildo Combat Evolved

Halo 2: Even more Dildos

the upcoming
Halo 3: Master Chief and the Planet of a Thousand Dildos
Halo Wars: Micromanage Your Dildos!

and finally
Halo The Movie: More Cocks Than Your Mom Has Ever Seen!

Here's a bit of math for you.

When a negative number has an absolute power greater than a positive number, what do you get when you add the two?

A negative number.

What do you get when you take a game as shitty as Halo and get Peter Jackson to make the movie.

Still shit.

The Halo movie has been canceled for the time being.

Halo Three is due to come out in 2007. As is the Windows Vista port of Halo 2 and the RTS Halo Wars.

Here's Wikipedia's list for all the games due in 2007.

Save your money.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Ch-ch-check this out.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


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Oh, it was painful to type that. If you don't understand part of it, leave a comment, I might put up a translation of it.